Nocturnal

So I know it's been a long time since I wrote. I stopped writing a little before I got my new phone I believe it was because it was glitching so much. I know this is an excuse (I'm downloading the blogger app so that I will continue to write in the future).

Maybe. maybe writing things out really did help me feel less stressed and more at peace because I was venting. I'm stressed again, and now I can't blame it one stress because of up coming shows or practice. I'm just tired with life, it's bothersome. I love someone who is taking care of me more than the people in need and it still doesn't feel like enough for me. I'm selfish, I want more love from him and I know I already get more than plenty.

 Besides that my relationship with my parents isn't bad (hope I didn't jinx it), my friends and I are getting along, no troubles there (except Willey is still dabbling with something that concerns me, Damian, and Robbie.

Maybe it's my job, maybe that's just another excuse. I always think that I hate my job and need to find another one, something to be proud with for the moment, but than I think we'' 'what would i do in the mean time with no job?' and think 'I could start taking pictures again and than I remember that that is a lie and I really wouldn't get motivated to do it, somethings missing. So than i think 'I could play with my animals and than I remember that I'm a selfish being who doesn't give them all the love and attention they need, I hate being a shitty mortal.

All i really wan to do is spend time with D. I want to be outdoors, I need some fresh air I believe, that tends to break up my negative pit falls; I mean who really knows what will cheer me up. I'm just getting more and more depressed. I'm becoming too nocturnal nowadays. Everyone is asleep and the only being I would care to stay up for is also sound a sleep in his own bed miles away.

I dropped out of my class, I couldn't even motivate myself to complete my work. I missed the first deadline and gave up like a failure, after that I gave up on working out. I made myself think of other things to do when my "Time to work out!" alert would go off on my phone.

Who knows what my deal is. I'm just unhappy, I miss sleep. I miss missing Monday's and going to the zoo for free every week, I miss up going to little trips and finding ways to 'reason" our need for the trips so we wouldn't feel guilty for our spending, I miss me wearing makeup, I miss me being energetic, I miss me taking photos, I miss the confidence, I don't really know who I am right now.


Maybe I can work on it to change it for the better and hell maybe it can start tomorrow but I feel like all of my optimism has vanished, and I've only now admitted it. I'm been fake, I haven't been optimistic,, maybe that's what I miss. I do miss it so much, perhaps once I work on it; the rest will seem easier and fall into place (of course it will, that's optimism for you).

I'll force myself to write tomorrow even if there is nothing, I will force myself to do something. These sinking, pessimistic, disgusting new habits are absolutely draining.  -_-


It is 3:05am, I bid you a goodnight full of pleasant dreams and a wonderful morning as well.